Ramblings of a Sleep Deprived Mother

Well, I am beginning to emerge from the foggy abyss that is new parenthood, and I think I can finally pull myself together enough to blog. Maybe. We'll see.

For the record, this isn't the first time I've tried to blog. Most of my attempts have involved me staring stupidly at the screen, which is occupied by a single, lonely word:

Baby

Followed by a sad little blinking cursor.

Then, several hours later, a stroke of genius will leave me with this tremendous improvement:

Baby,,, I had had hem.

I wish I was kidding, because I would have written all kinds of brilliant, moving prose about the joys of motherhood by now. But as much of a joy as it is, (And it is. It is pure joy.) it has rendered me quite a remarkable specimen of dumb dumb. Let me count the ways...

1. I now call Wilco "Leland" every. single. time.

2. At first I called Leland "Wilco," which was significantly worse. I'm glad it started going the other direction, since one of these precious little babies will eventually be able to understand what I'm saying.

3. I leave my phone everywhere I go. Kroger, the pediatrician's office, church...

4. I constantly forget very basic vocabulary words like "pillow" and "paper."

5. If you play me a song by my favorite artist that I listened to a gozillion times in my former life before Leland was born, I will strain myself so hard I may have a brain hemorrhage trying to remember who wrote it.

6. HOWEVER, I walk around with the simple, nursery grade number from Leland's bouncer stuck in my head all day. And I hum it while I do stuff around the house? Because that is my music now?

Maybe I am way off about this, but I feel like I was a pretty cool person at one point. I mean, for about 10 years there I had a personality and everything! I had preferences and opinions and good taste in music... Evidently, that has all been wiped clean. My new favorite book is "Goodnight Moon." I didn't used to care much for "Goodnight Moon." It wasn't part of my childhood, I wasn't emotionally attached. But now, it's my G.D. favorite. Because it's the one that gets Leland the heck to sleep, that's why.

7. When I mean to say "meet," I spell it "meat." When I mean to say "week," I spell it "weak." Avocado? "Avacado." I was an English major, people. When my grammar starts going, you know something is up. And I almost spelled it "grammer."

8. I am completely incapable of cooking anymore, especially baking, because when I try to follow a recipe I lose my place and put in the same ingredient up to 5 times. It requires an remarkable level of concentration for me to avoid doing this, and I almost never succeed.

9. I use Daniel's toothbrush on the daily. (Daniel, if this is the first you're hearing about this, I'm truly sorry.)

And I would have no way of knowing for certain if this is the first Daniel was hearing about this because...

10. I tell Daniel the same things. Over. And over. And over. I will tell him something, and then about ten seconds later, I will turn around and repeat the same dadgum thing again. This is because I no longer have the mental capacity to distinguish between what I'm saying in my head and what I'm saying aloud.

It's crazy what sleep deprivation can do to a person. I recently sleep walked for the first time. Well, I assume it was the first time... I obviously wouldn't have any way of knowing if it had happened before, or if it's happened since. The only reason I know it happened that particular time was because I woke up with Leland in the bed next to me. He was just laying there, looking at me, kinda confused but content nonetheless. Like, "Ohai mom, why did you wake me up and bring me here? I mean it's cool, I like snugglin and all, I's just wonderin dat's all, you don't hafta put me back in my crib or anything..." (Yes, I'm aware that I sound like I'm channeling Bil Keane, but that's how Leland talks. Get used to it.) At first I assumed that he had cried, and Daniel gotten him and brought him in for me to feed. I asked Daniel, "how long has he been here?" He didn't know. I asked him, "didn't you bring him in here?" Nope. "yes you did." Nope, he said. One of us was sleep walking. I immediately retorted, "Well must have been you because I don't sleep walk." That's when I noticed that he was under the covers and I wasn't. I must have dreamed Leland was crying and gone and gotten him- he clearly had not been crying and was not hungry. So anyways... now I sleep walk. While carrying my infant. Which is totally terrifying and I try not to think about it too hard or ask questions like what if I tripped or decided to go for a little dream drive. We just try not to think about those things in this family. We need to get some sleep at night in this household so we choose to ignore the very real possibility that I could get up one night and take Leland for a stroll into the Cumberland River.

So obviously, I didn't just break my blogging hiatus because my IQ spiked. I'm still a total sleep deprived basket case. What motivates me to blog now, after all this time, is that over the past weak, (<--- SEE??? I wasn't kidding about that!) I have become increasingly aware of how crazy fast Leland is growing up. It is insane. He is four months old already. And he's doing all kinds of new cool tricks he couldn't do when he was born, and now he's teething, and his feet are gigantic, and all around he is just this awesome little dude who's getting awesomer by the day... but I can't stand it! I love this stage and yet it's impossible for me to be totally content because I am far too aware of how fast the time is passing, and I know it will be over so soon. I just want him to stay like this for... ever! Ok, I don't know, maybe not forever. but at least for like 10-15 years. But instead, one third of his first year has already passed in a flash, and time keeps moving and it just makes me want to cry. I have recently discovered what I want out of life, and it's very simple: to have a baby, always. I am going to have so many babies because I am addicted to having a baby. Sorry Daniel we're having 20 kids. I know you didn't sign up for this, but it's your fault for marrying a crazy person. Now this is your lot in life. The best thing you can do is just accept it, and move on.

Anyway... all this to say, I'm realizing that I need to be writing about Leland during this time to help me hold on to these sweet, fleeting moments with him as our tiny baby boy. He is amazing, and so funny and full of joy. There are so many details about his little personality that mean the world to me and that I want to cherish forever. I'm afraid I'll forget. I want to have them recorded somewhere, even if I can't form a coherent sentence to save my life.

So please, allow me to tell you about our baby.

(To be continued...)